Catch me if you can…cause you just lost me.

I feel like im trapped in a box, with no holes. the only source of air is the crack in the seam as the flaps come together. it lets in enough air to live but not take a deep breath nor be comfortable. that box is money and you. to concepts both independently and dependently.

I try and please everyone and wind up not pleasing a single person, including myself. I try and try and make him happy and its not enough and in turn I frustrate my friends and my mother gets mad, even though she makes it clear she wants nothing to do with me anyway. why should she care if I spend time with him or not?

The pain…

(Source: nguyennandy)

What’s done is done and can’t be undone

Im only home for a month. So I’m pretty much not allowed to have male friends, you hate my female friends and now claim I’m clingy..I guess I’ll sit in my room at my mothers and pick my nose

Deans list! Ayyyyeee. I didn’t think I was gonna pull it off. But 3.76 overall!

I hate this rollercoaster I seem to be on all the time but I have to say we are on the upside and things are amazing. I really need to stop doubting things. I got this feeling last night….

i thought this is what I wanted, what we wanted. our relationship started off so strong, so fast and full of so much, but now we argue more than we communicate and we argue about the same things. everything has changed between us. our relationship isnt what it used to be, nor are we the people that used to be in it.

I love a man that can hold his own, that has a job, handles his bills and responsibilities and preferably a living spot of his own. You had a job and your responsibilities were more or less taken care of when we met. You were working towards moving out and wanted to live with me. that was fast moving but i too needed to get the hell out of my house. I saw the kind heart you had as well and took the jump to invest upon our future. our future turned into your future. the apartment was never OURS it was always yours.now regardless of the issues we have within our relationship, i feel like im just a trick at the bachelor pad when i come over.

The place is a mess, the boys in and out are loud and apparently hate me, they are always sleeping on the couch so if we fight im stuck sleeping next to you back to back. They are always on the tv, so if you’re asleep or making music I have nothing to do. They jack up the electricity bill and eat the food i purchase for you. Even as I type, I just popped out the shower to find one of them took my phone off the charger to use it themselves. How is that acceptable? Yours was charging all night mine was dead. I know you’re trying to be a good guy, and i love you for that but when I’m helping to support you it’s frustrating because they’re increasing the expenses and decreasing the resources for me when I am here.

So, when all this is going on I get bored, I get restless but don’t want to leave because i love being with you but also im afraid of what goes on when I am not here. So, I go through your messages and your texts. I cheated on my ex and my best friend cheated on his girl. countlessly. we were in that mass. He was in my life for 2.5 years and probably still would be to some small degree had i not met you. I fell for him before I knew he was in an off/on relationship. by the time i found out i was sort of stuck. There are countless attributes as to why our relationship as it maybe was so foul. But mainly, I THOUGHT I loved him, She loved him, and he well, he told us both he loved us. it always felt like a competition. sometimes it was between the two of us females and other times it was between me and him as to who could hurt the other one worse. Regardless of the money issues- he showed me he loved me at times which is what kept me around. (looking back his love wasnt healthy, if real) it was a constant battle to get that or keep him around. to get that attention from him, no matter how much he hurt me or abused me.

When it comes to money I sometimes see that with you, the way he was and the way you are, not in the same manner or anything really but there are a few parallels. I see that with other females, your best friend included. but mostly jsut the numbers, that im not enough. But what scares me the most is the lies we used to tell, the shit we used to pull and the love triangle I was in seems exactly as yours is. you constantly are telling me lies about her, sexual aside, when you hang out etc. I cant be in a relationship based on lies.

I feel stuck though, I have never meant a guy like you before. And I’m completely in love with you. From when we started dating, you open doors etc that was normal, but i can tell in your heart things are genuine. I will never forget how protective you would be when we would go to the park, you would check the womens bathroom for creeps before i used it, then stood at side. you would make me stand outside the males and talk to me the whole time to make sure things were okay. You can always tell when something is wrong etc, the little things that show that youre a good guy but more genuine than that. The sex is, well beyond amazing. I’ve never experienced anything like it before and it makes it so I will never want to have sex with someone else. in two years with him i can count on one hand the times hes made me feel the way you do every time. and thats Without the foreplay or anything that he did do, and you dont. I truly feel that has to do with where my heart lays. because it’s always been great, but these last few weeks its been beyond amazing.

You’re the first guy I’ve seriously talked about a future with. my ex and i would talk about next year together, but you and i talk about living together, possibly marriage and children. we’ve been through HUGE obstacles in 5 months, and gotten through it. all the fighting, all the times i try and leave, you wont fight for me to stay but you dont push me out either.

Seeing you talk to female after female about come over etc, plus the lies with your best friend hurt me beyond explanation. I want to leave you for it, so bad. but i dont. I feel i cant im too in love with you to leave. and i see you still have feelings and put small efforts in too. You wont talk to me like you used to or nearly as frequent as you used to. so I did infact start talking to someone i used to. but i dont like anything about him. It simply was to have the nice texts, the goodmorning beautifuls and to have someone hitting my phone (since you pretty much ostracized me from all my friends) to distract myself from the fact that my boyfriend, the boy i love, wont talk to me. I live 300 miles away in the middle of nowhere, I would never let anything come from it and when he texts me all i do is wish it was you. I see that it hurts you and that makes me stop, and honestly, it gives me hope it shows you care etc. but then we fight about it and come to a resolution and as a part of moving forward I check through your stuff to make sure I was the only one. and everytime I see shit that you say isnt real with your best friend PLUS a million other girls. I know you arent fucking no other bitch but I’m sure you are with your best friend.

Not only do I not want to be the stupid bitch that gets cheated on but there are so many other factors of that. Condoms. do you use them with her? Is she getting a better side of you, sexually or mentally? Do you treat her better than you treat me? I’m sure because she doesnt fight with you because shes not your girlfriend paying for everything and knowingly getting cheated on. Do you think of her when we have sex? do you wish it were her next to you instead of me? Is there any hope of you being faithful or wanting to be with me forreal? I asked you to put our relationship on facebook, not for me. for the other females. so you couldnt lie. I have a broken collarbone because I got mixed up in that kind of bullshit. I would never do anything to a female, but if she fucked you or even sucked your dick I would want her to know she was with another female’s man. Though I know some females don’t care but that would give her security from being lied to. you lied to your best friend and other females about being with me again. why? unless you want them more.

what hurts is all the sacrifices I have made for you and continue to make because I care about you and your future and want to help you because i care because i love you and because most of those are just money, but I cant keep helping you with bills for another girl to be fucked in this house, paying for your phone for you to NOT text me but talk to other females, or pay your internet for you to ignore me but talk to them. it’s not fair. none of this is. I know i have a temper. but i react to your actions, your change of actions. you wont hold my hand in public no more etc. that hurts me. that shows you dont want to make me happy, you dont want people to know we’re together and that you dont want to be seen with me as youre girl. not fair

what sucks the most is im trying to make things work with us and do things for you. Im deciding to stay in cheney because my mother will help with rent so i will have left over money to help you, but again why should i sacrifice not getting to sleep in your bed, paying for anotehr girl to, and being miserable up there.

its not about money but its also funny you have never once bought me anything, I dont want your money or things from you but my favorite flowers are 6.99 and tattooed on me. ive spent thousands of dollars on you… any spare money you has goes to bud. I know you’re stressed financially, but then be with me and make this work, because I REFUSE to be the dumb bitch that gets cheated on, and with someone he loves, while cashing him out

And im sick of constantly pouring my heart out with sincere things, to hear nothing ever in return. because the moment you told me you missed me, i drove 300 miles to come see you….